I’ve been thinking of my writing here as a sort of work in progress about a work in progress; that is to say, my life. It’d be nice to say that everything is as zen and under control as I sometimes pretend, but it ain’t. Despite the fact that I invite the readers to see the things I write about from my point of view, I know that view is not singular or rarified in any way. I have no claims on expertise, let alone right answers. Life is a process, I’m just here to report from the road.
Life, in fact is a jigsaw puzzle with a gajillion pieces and no picture on the box. And, a whole bunch of those pieces seem to be nothing but sky blue. Let’s have at it, shall we?
There are good days and there are bad days…and there are days express mailed directly from Hell. In no particular order. It used to be that I’d find myself so deep in the hole that all I could see was dirt–and I’d ask, ‘why me?’ I’m trying, in slow baby steps, to change the question to, ‘what next?,’ or maybe ‘what else?’ But on Hell days, it’s hard to remember to be clever and positive and sunny. A mostly inexpert work in fitful progress is my life.
My tendency is to assume the worst and look for the way in which it is all my fault. A lot of times I had help finding the blame, but I never really needed it. My conscience is like a truffle sniffing pig for guilt. Thanks to that background noise, I had two choices, basket case or king of denial. I chose the latter…mostly. Over the years, I’ve focused forward and hoped. And done my best–and given myself no credit.
So now I find myself older and not particularly wiser. I look back and find that I’ve wasted time and given away things I should have kept. Having reviewed the trip, I see that I’ve taken many right roads and quite a few wrong turns…but I have survived. And have finally come to realize that you shouldn’t settle for just existing, but in fact need to actually live. That you don’t have to lower your expectations, that you might really find happiness somewhere out there. This is merely a theory so far–I haven’t proven it yet. But I believe in it–though it is new.
I am trying to believe more, hope more, and fear less. And, it’s a work in progress–with lots more work before you’ll notice any progress. I’m trying to look up, past the top edge of the hole. I’ll keep you posted.
So, it’s probably obvious that if I’m preaching to anyone, it’s to myself. You’re not finding me dispensing wisdom and clarity to the world, you’re catching me mumbling desperate encouragement to myself. Listen in, if you want. Maybe we can find the next steps forward together. I hope so.
So…on days when I find myself wondering what cosmic entity I’ve managed to piss off so blithely, I’m going to make every effort to breathe calmly and see hardship as a human condition and not my due. I’m going to try my damnedest to move toward the light and stay positive.
And I’m going to keep on trying till I believe it. Then I’ll try some more.
And we’ll see if I ever progress…